After having a roller coaster week I am realizing more and more that I am not giving myself any alone time to heal. Sometimes my brain gets going so fast and negativity turns into a huge flaming ball of poorly chosen words and actions. I am working on being quiet and knowing that God is always with me. I have spent the last year expecting a human to fufill parts of me that only a higher power can understand and satisfy. One more mean thing to say, one more drink, one more cup of coffee, one more ciggarette, one more login to facebook, one more night with someone who doesn't love me... I start hating myself when I think of how dependent I am on these things and relationships and how I use them to occupy my mind instead of enjoying mysef and just being with God. Walking in the spirit is what I learned about last spring. Lying on the grass staring up at the sky above the farm I cried out to God to never let me become sick again...
(like the chorus in one of my songs)
break the momentem I've gained on my own
you have sent strong winds to send me home
I'll never go astray again
guide me with your hands
I've been sliding into bad habits and ways of thinking that are not beautiful or Godly... two things I think I became last year and also two things I can become again. The good news is that I don't need to hate myself or feel bad! God is on my side and if i take the time to examine myself and let God show me how to heal I can't loose.
Just some thoughts from my head.
I love this! Please post more...
ReplyDeletewhat are the chances of seeing the rest of the lyrics? I've been trying to figure them all out, but I can't seem to catch them all when I listen to the song.
Yvonne... Yes, please do post more, much more. it's so interesting how thoughts come together when they're spoken to a friend you trust, or in writing them down. There's a different, wonderful kind of clarity in writing things down, right?
ReplyDeleteI have to admit that I was crying as I read this since I felt a lot of pain there, and some personal disappointment, but in the end I realized I was also crying from happiness because you DO know the way. You know how to get back to that place and you will again. Always sending love to you, and always sending up prayers for you. xo Aunti Char
thanks guys. I love you. Jess- I added my song lyrics
ReplyDeleteand you KNOW we all love you dearly too! xo
ReplyDelete