You can't be my structure... I actually have to work on it myself. Shoot.

Taking responsibility for myself is really, really, really, hard.

Taking responsibility for you is unnecessary.

When I am paranoid about you lying or being deceitful it is a direct reflection of my own lies and deceitfulness.

I dealt with a few things this week that have been bugging me and it reminds me of something my mom told me when I was little. She told me that each lie or sin is like a string wrapped around you binding you. They all bundle up and bind you. Eventually you can't breath!  That isn't any fun.  Believe me.  I know!

Better

'We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed, perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not forsaken...

snail-like choices

I have been thinking about how bad choices seem reproduce.  You make one... then more always seem to follow turning into a big mess.  It reminds me of a coil of rope.  The end of the rope is like the first bad choice and then it keeps coiling around itself until you didn't know when it started and intstead of looking like a rope it ends up looking like a snail.  Just like how my life has ended up looking like a disaster... there once was a nice cleanly cut ropes end in the middle behind the tangled mess. 
Today I feel like someone has stretched me all the way up the deck in a straight line:))

Lucky as a Horseshoe on a Door, but not on an Outhouse Door

I had a visit with a dear friend this morning that made me feel so good about the day!  I am worth a lot even with my bumps and creaks.  My real friends and family know that I have done an amazing job and even though I have a long way to go... I have done a lot of great things. I don't need anyone in my life who has conditional love or people who think they know what I need to do to fit into a ticky tacky box.  I had enough of that with my crazy ex.  Ok, that's it!  The funk is over and I am back to myself fighting for my kids and for my life.  There's a bible verse that says "let  your yes be yes, and your no be your no."  I let people get away with maybes.  I have been a maybe.  I have told people maybe.  Real grown ups say yes or no.  I feel like I just got my courage back.  Thank-you GOD.  Thank-you all the people who have faith in me.  Thank-you life!  I am blessed (lucky, fortunate, and in the right place at the right time all the time)Whew..!

The Good With The Bad.... And The Good Again!

Bad choice- trying to date before when I wasn't established in turn delaying personal growth which made it not work out anyway :(

Good choice - getting a new job in my field where I will be making more money:)

Bad choice - islolating myself from my family.

Good choice - sitting down and forcing myself to write some thoughts down and sing songs.

Bad Choice - not caring :(

Good Choice - attending meetings with other women every week to maintain a healthy attitude :)

Good Choice - deciding that the only person stopping myself from doing the right things is me :)

Good Choice - forgiving myself for letting my negativity and past affect my current relationships... and forgiving the people involved :)

I Need to remember why I wrote this.

Not About a Man            

My heart was steeping in cold water
Cold and wet, dripping with regrets
I gather is pools on your sundrenched shore
I bask in your greatness, you always love me more

Man made pillars swaying in the wind
Supporting my fears, they're sinking in
Your mercy and your grace, soon fear will be erased
Replace my fear with love, always at your pace

I roll towards you like waves to the land
Loosing my own shape as I break on the sand
Each time I return, lapping on your shore
Can't wait to touch you, I can't wait for more

Break the momentum I've gained on my own
You've sent strong winds to send me home
I never want to go astray again
Guide me with your hands                                                                                                                           

steam slowly releasing

After having a roller coaster week I am realizing more and more that I am not giving myself any alone time to heal.  Sometimes my brain gets going so fast and negativity turns into a huge flaming ball of poorly chosen words and actions.  I am working on being quiet and knowing that God is always with me.  I have spent the last year expecting a human to fufill parts of me that only a higher power can understand and satisfy.  One more mean thing to say, one more drink, one more cup of coffee, one more ciggarette, one more login to facebook, one more night with someone who doesn't love me... I start hating myself when I think of how dependent I am on these things and relationships and how I use them to occupy my mind instead of enjoying mysef and just being with God.  Walking in the spirit is what I learned about last spring.  Lying on the grass staring up at the sky above the farm I cried out to God to never let me become sick again...
(like the chorus in one of my songs)
break the momentem I've gained on my own
you have sent strong winds to send me home
I'll never go astray again
guide me with your hands

 I've been sliding into bad habits and ways of thinking that are not beautiful or Godly... two things I think I became last year and also two things I can become again.  The good news is that I don't need to hate myself or feel bad!  God is on my side and if i take the time to examine myself and let God show me how to heal I can't loose.

Just some thoughts from my head.