Vent Open

It has been a very long time since I have made a note here.  I have no reason or excuse, only that I have not felt like writing.  Now that I have a computer again I suppose it could be easier to make regular entries.  Because I am feeling generally uninspired and tired due to an alien parasite attacking my uterus, I am forcing myself to start writing because it is an easy way to encourage creativity.  This is an unplanned public declaration that I do not feel creative and I really just feel like complaining about the abundance of Lego on my floor and the fact that someone told me they heard I gained weight.  Isn't that a nice thing to say? Yes, it is true I am gaining weight but it is due to the alien parasite.  I am happy to be harbouring a fugitive none the less. I feel like we have something in common.
I am happy to be pregnant.  Peoples' reactions on the other hand have caught me off guard but I am not sure if it is because I am hormonal and extra sensitive or if people are ass holes.  I will decide later.  
People seem to think life is easier with a husband. I have not had that experience and being independent seems to be the safest route for now. Not that I don't want a partner or that I am against it. I actually don't have a choice right now! 
  It is not my idea of fun to have to call someone and tell them if I went three dollars over the grocery budget and that I will be ten minutes late because I had to take a shit.  I am ok single for now.
I am sure that I will eventually find someone who is really amazing and who i want to be with.  I am only referring to the frustration of people judging me for having this baby by myself.  I am doing it differently, not wrong.  You do not need to be the person who informs people of the many difficulties associated with being a single parent.  The single parent knows that. Just like I do not need to be the one to tell you about your life.  You already know about it.
 I have learned from enough from my own past to know what a mistake looks like and although it may not be ideal or easy, this is not a mistake. 

You can't be my structure... I actually have to work on it myself. Shoot.

Taking responsibility for myself is really, really, really, hard.

Taking responsibility for you is unnecessary.

When I am paranoid about you lying or being deceitful it is a direct reflection of my own lies and deceitfulness.

I dealt with a few things this week that have been bugging me and it reminds me of something my mom told me when I was little. She told me that each lie or sin is like a string wrapped around you binding you. They all bundle up and bind you. Eventually you can't breath!  That isn't any fun.  Believe me.  I know!

Better

'We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed, perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not forsaken...

snail-like choices

I have been thinking about how bad choices seem reproduce.  You make one... then more always seem to follow turning into a big mess.  It reminds me of a coil of rope.  The end of the rope is like the first bad choice and then it keeps coiling around itself until you didn't know when it started and intstead of looking like a rope it ends up looking like a snail.  Just like how my life has ended up looking like a disaster... there once was a nice cleanly cut ropes end in the middle behind the tangled mess. 
Today I feel like someone has stretched me all the way up the deck in a straight line:))

Lucky as a Horseshoe on a Door, but not on an Outhouse Door

I had a visit with a dear friend this morning that made me feel so good about the day!  I am worth a lot even with my bumps and creaks.  My real friends and family know that I have done an amazing job and even though I have a long way to go... I have done a lot of great things. I don't need anyone in my life who has conditional love or people who think they know what I need to do to fit into a ticky tacky box.  I had enough of that with my crazy ex.  Ok, that's it!  The funk is over and I am back to myself fighting for my kids and for my life.  There's a bible verse that says "let  your yes be yes, and your no be your no."  I let people get away with maybes.  I have been a maybe.  I have told people maybe.  Real grown ups say yes or no.  I feel like I just got my courage back.  Thank-you GOD.  Thank-you all the people who have faith in me.  Thank-you life!  I am blessed (lucky, fortunate, and in the right place at the right time all the time)Whew..!

The Good With The Bad.... And The Good Again!

Bad choice- trying to date before when I wasn't established in turn delaying personal growth which made it not work out anyway :(

Good choice - getting a new job in my field where I will be making more money:)

Bad choice - islolating myself from my family.

Good choice - sitting down and forcing myself to write some thoughts down and sing songs.

Bad Choice - not caring :(

Good Choice - attending meetings with other women every week to maintain a healthy attitude :)

Good Choice - deciding that the only person stopping myself from doing the right things is me :)

Good Choice - forgiving myself for letting my negativity and past affect my current relationships... and forgiving the people involved :)